My honey is essentially like Mr. Magoo. You know the adorable older man who's nearsighted nature and inability to admit to any issue often lands him in comical situations. In a nut shell, this is my darling man. He may not be nearsighted nor a retiree. but his vision struggles enough and there are those forgetful moments that are so much funnier when blamed on getting older... at least when you are young.
At times it is incredibly frustrating that he manages to grasp so much and so little in the same swoop, but its also incredibly endearing when he is so delightfully clueless.
So I've been simmering all week on what to do for him this Valentine's Day. There was a brief thought of decorating our lingering Christmas tree with hearts, half because it would be funny and half because it might spur my honey to actually take it to the dump. I don't find the last one likely, but I mean Valentine's trees are totally a thing, right? If not they should be. We could decorate with hearts and tiny champagne bottles, string them with lingerie, and add boxes of chocolate strawberries beneath it.
This needs to be a thing!
Anyway I was contemplating what to do for my honey, and then he locked himself out of the house.
For the tenth time.
Unfortunately, I had already left for work and he had to walk a mile to my parent's house, dog in tow, in the pouring rain.
For the fourth time.
My mother called and after she stopped laughing hysterically at the sight of him and the dog soaking wet in the foyer waiting for the spare key and a ride home, she informed me again that we really needed to get a keyless entry. I was starting to agree, seeing as how I have yet to lock myself out of the house and had already placed a key hook right next to the front door, but yet he still managed to make this happen more than once.
And then he went and did it again.
Luckily, I was home this time and was able to let him back in to snag his keys and be on his way. Also it wasn't raining so there was no pitiful sight to behold as I opened the door in my bathrobe.
After getting to work today I sent him the following:
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
Dear sweet forgetful Mr. Magoo
for this Valentine's Day,
a front door keyless entry
is my loving gift to you.
He did not seem to find this as amusing as I did, seeing as how he didn't respond the rest of the day. Some people may take that as a sign they aren't that funny. I, however, am hilarious. He just has a tough time laughing at himself, or admitting that there is anything wrong.
But I bet you know what he's getting for Valentine's!
Happy Valentine's Day to all of you! XO!
“Mixed drinks tend to be invented on a whim, named as an afterthought, consumed on the spot and forgotten in an instant.”
William Grimes, food critic and historian, was perhaps a bit harsh in his judgement of the cocktail. Mixology culture is often very tongue in cheek and colorful in their way of naming the potations they put forward. I can’t say they are all winners. I for one find the Screaming Orgasm to be a blatantly forward and undeserving name for a creamy little shot that’s over in a flash… but I’m sure Short-lived Orgasm wasn’t quite the sales pitch they had intended.
The bar culture has a history of having some more risqué named cocktails to draw a giggle and a guzzle from its patrons. After pouring through one of my cocktail books (Lets Bring Back: The Cocktail Edition by Lesley M.M. Blume), I’ve pulled out five suggestive little love potions from a bygone era to tempt your desire this Valentine’s day.
NOTE: These cocktails (except the Angel's Tit) are formed from vintage measurements, which means they were meant for smaller glasses than we have now. If you want to serve up drinks "proud of the brim" then double the recipe. Cheers!
Between the sheets
This suggestive little number originated around the 1930s. I'm not one to typically drink in bed, because inevitably between my honey, my pets, and my own clumsy nature, I spill. However I totally approve of a night cap, and with a blend of brandy and rum, this cocktail seems destined to put you to bed…either to sleep or to more amorous activities.
¾ oz light rum
¾ oz brandy
¾ oz Cointreau
1 tsp lemon juice
Combine ingredients in cocktail shaker with ice and shake. Strain into chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with a lemon peel and sip bedside, in pajamas or something a little more scandalous.
Subtlety is an art and unfortunately it is entirely wasted on this cocktail. The Bosom Caresser not only bears a fleshy colored resemblance to the anatomy from which it gets its name but served up in a coupe it even appears to be the same shape. It actually sits very pretty in the cup of a bra. Not surprisingly, this was a popular libation at gentlemen’s sport clubs where they no doubt snickered themselves silly ordering it.
1 oz brandy
1 oz Madeira
1 dash grenadine (A dash = 1/8 of a tsp)
1 dash curacao
1 egg yolk
Put ingredients into a cocktail shaker with ice. Shake and then strain into coupe glass. Caress it gently as you enjoy…naughty you.
Suprisingly this cocktail was not named for a dalliance. Named for being simply delicious, this cocktail has more than a little mischievous intent to inspire carnal activities.
1 oz Italian vermouth
1 oz dry gin
2 dashes Fernet-Branca
Pour ingredients into cocktail shaker filled with ice and shake. Strain over highball glass filled with ice. Garnish with an orange peel and serve with innuendo.
Secret stolen kisses are the hallmark of any good romance. Whether secret affair or daring forbidden romance, a stolen kiss can be exhilarating. As is such, this cocktail is a quick sweet embrace that leaves you wanting another sip.
1 ½ oz Pernod
1 ½ oz gin
1 egg white
1 teaspoon simple syrup
Pour ingredients into cocktail shaker filled with ice. Shake vigorously and strain into chilled cocktail coupe. Feel free to let your lips linger.
Clearly there is an obsession with the ta-tas at the bar. Created in the 1920s when people lived to scandalize, especially those goody-goodies who tried to ban alcohol, the Angel’s Tit is a dessert like cocktail aptly named for its perky appearance.
1oz Maraschino Liqueur
1 dash grenadine
Pour the liqueur and grenadine into a chilled pousse-café glass (or shot glass), top with whipped cream and place a cherry right in the middle…to uh complete the look.
Hope you got a giggle and a guzzle out of these little seductive numbers in a glass. Perhaps a few of you are even blushing, you goody-goodies. Tantilizing, titillating and overall enthralling, make these little love potions part of a Valentine's day you'll never forget.
* I shouldn’t have to put a disclaimer in here that these are not actual love potions guaranteed to result in the activities that they proclaim, and that to use them as such is well… wrong, you pervert. Using these cocktails in an unscrupulous manner may result in insults, a slap, newly becoming single, or having to sleep alone.
Don’t be an idiot.
Have a happy Valentines day!
Celebrating all that we raise, sip, guzzle, clink, drinks and most affectionately cheers with!